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I’ve accepted responsibility, been accountable and lived in integrity. Good grown-up behaviors. I’ve known and repeated all the right things and I’ve done well. In the eyes of the world, I have excelled at grown-up school.

And, I knew better. Deep in my heart, the back of my mind, I knew there was something more. I did not want to feel like an impostor in the world of grown-ups.

 

As a psychologist, international speaker, author of a bunch of books, I know the stuff. In fact, I usually live by it with some semblance of predictability. So, it’s not about being a grown-up as much as it is feeling like a grown-up.

 

Now, what are the criteria for being one of those? It took many years on the planet, much work on myself and several true dark nights of the soul to get a glimpse into what it might mean. Just before I tell you what I’ve learned, let me share a story with you about how I learned it.

 

I was in another country working for a major national company. As I often do, I offered to speak to a non-profit group while I was in their city. After speaking and receiving a very warm reception, the leaders of the group asked to meet with me at the airport. We did this. Their question? How much would it take for you to come and re-build our organization? How much money? How much time? How much commitment? How many resources? This being completely unexpected, I quickly tallied up expenses, commitments and lost opportunities and gave them a number and a list of requirements. I went to my gate.

 

Twenty-eight minutes later, my cell phone rang.

 

 “We want you to start in ten days.” My reaction was to look up and ask the Big Guy a question,

 

            “You want me to do what???!!”

 

So, it began. The honeymoon phase, that is. It seemed they were thrilled. One board member commented in the first month,

 

            “We got much more than we bargained for. A motivator, a speaker and an excellent CEO. This is phenomenal.”

 

My popularity grew and so did the association.  Soon, the number of regular attendees at the organization’s weekly functions went from 85-90 to 180-200. Everyone was happy including the banker. And, then, there was a shift. Some folks just love to mess with success. They are happiest when things are in chaos, disarray and upset.

 

Soon, lines were being drawn in the sand in ink. Some people were even making cement for boots! A few board members were whipping the frenzy. How does this relate to a breakthrough? You’ll soon see.

 

As spiritual leader of this organization—oops! I let the cat out the bag—all eyes were on me. How would I handle the things, events, circumstances and people?  It became abundantly clear. My opportunity was to remember my favorite concept, Talk-Walking. A big piece of my work is leading people to practice what they say they believe whether it is a CEO, a manager, a business person or a devotee. So, my mission was to stay conscious and do, say and think only things that would be in alignment with what I believed was the highest and best for the good of all concerned. What a lofty ambition!

 

Did I want to cry, scream, yell and defend? Oh, yes! When that road got rocky, I was on the white-knuckle special desperately managing to cling to my principles and values rather than retaliation and frustration. Would it have been easy to gossip? Oh, yes! But, I firmly believe that gossip is the nemesis of integrity. Would I have liked to cut and run? Oh, yes, and when a consultant invited, he asked why I was staying. It was simple. I stayed because I was committed to the two-hundred people and my contract. Masochistic? You might think so.

 

That was my ‘Grown-Up School’.

 

How did it create a breakthrough rather than a breakdown? A very wise man in my life constantly reminded me that no matter what anyone else is doing, my choices reflect who I am. When I can answer the question, “Who am I?” Then, I always know how to behave.  So, I asked myself some tough questions:

 

• Do I run from difficulties?  No, not unless the difficulty is a five-hundred pound bear with no conscience.

 

• Do I believe in putting people down and making them wrong? No, that’s the best way to perpetuate the misery.

 

• Is my first response to challenge defensiveness? No, although there were times. Oh, believe me, there were times!

 

• Do I run from conflict and prefer denial? No. Although I can see the attractiveness of the strategy and I often wanted to pull the covers over my head and block out the world.

 

• Do I believe in a compassionate perspective? Yes, and to all parties including me.

 

• Can I think and communicate under pressure? Usually, although sometimes it requires making an appointment to talk at a later time when my shoulders come down from my earlobes.

 

• Do I bend to other people’s agendas and adjust who I am? No, that’s non-negotiable.

 

• Do I live for the approval of others? No. That simply does not allow me to express who I am and that’s what I’m here to do.

 

So, I learned a few things. Knowing who I am also allowed me to keep both my rebellious teen and my two-year old tantrum queen in check.  Whew! There were days when that was tough. Doing my own work—the work on myself--took great effort. The daily practice of reminding myself--sometimes a hundred times a minute, I’m sure--that I had choice about my response to life was a full-time job.

 

I learned that when I remember who I am,  I do know how to behave. Integrity feels good.

 

It’s that simple. It certainly isn’t that easy! And, It’s not for the faint-hearted. That’s a certainty. Here’s a few things I learned:

 

• Grown-ups tell the truth.

 

How many people wait for the right time to say what needs to be said? Now, I’m not suggesting anyone be insensitive unnecessarily, but, really now, is there ever a good time? You’re doing mental gymnastics trying to make the truth palatable, maybe even acceptable, AND you want good timing??? Just tell the truth is the kindest, most honest way possible.

 

• Grown-ups handle things as they come up.

 

When grown-ups are in a relationship, they count on each other to communicate fully. They practice respectful and responsible communication. No exaggeration. No defamation. Just the facts. They listen well, remain curious about the other person and take the time to create agreements.

 

• Grown-ups take personal responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and actions.

 

Tough though it can be, grown-ups are not looking for who caused their pain, anger, sadness, loss or their past. That’s a big one. It’s easy to stay stuck for a lifetime if the daily chant is “Ain’t it awful”, “If only…” and “He done me wrong.”  Grown-ups give up whining, blaming, sniveling and excuses.

 

• Grown-ups live from their internal truth, no matter what the circumstances.

 

The motivation to live each day comes from the clarity of their values and the alignment of words and behaviors. They know who they are and act accordingly. They show up, speak up and step up.

 

Life is filled with lessons. Good students break through, give in and grow up.  They graduate from ‘Grown-Up School’ summa cum laude. And, believe me, it’s worth the work!

 

 

©  Rhoberta Shaler, PhD   All rights reserved.

 

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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is a ‘people skills’ expert—a noted speaker, author, executive coach and founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA.   Dr. Shaler works with organizations that know their people are their top resource and with leaders who know that building relationships is a top priority. www.OptimizeInstitute.com  She is the author of ‘What You Pay Attention to Expands’ & Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work as well as more than a dozen books and audio programs. Dr. Shaler is also the founder of Your Spiritual Home, an online Center for Spiritual Living and Spiritual Living Network, www.SpiritualLivingNetwork.com You can receive her e-book,  ‘No Limits! No Doubts! No Kidding!” at no cost at www.NoLimitsLiving.com